looking back...

There are so many things I want for my life right now.  I want a new fancy lens for my camera that I dont know how to work so I can take close close pictures and have them come out not blurry.  I want to get photoshop so I can edit the not-so-fancy pictures taken with my fancy camera I dont know how to work.  I want a new wardrobe that will fit my post-baby-still-holding-onto-20-extra-pounds-of-baby weight.  I would like to say goodbye to this baby weight.  A number of things.

But.  Looking at my life right now, there is only one thing I wish I could have.  I wish I could go back to be a better friend to my friends.  I had a MAJOR attitude problem when I was younger.  I think I had Napoleons Complex because I was always the "short friend".  Always the friend who, when there was a car full of people, had to sit on a lap of someone else.  I was mean to people.  I called people names.  I was angry at everything and wanted the world to know.  I took out that anger on a lot of people for no good reason.  I was judgemental, opinionated to the point that everyone was wrong if they didnt agree with me.  I was a bitch.  I HATE that I was like this.  I really do.  I didnt make friends easily and the people that I was friends with probably thought I was annoying 99.9% of the time. 

I was also the girl that, once she got a boyfriend, forgot about the rest of her life and the rest of her friends.  So the few friends that I did actually make would soon get tired of my antics and leave me in the dust.  Or I would leave them in the dust. 

I am also a really bad friend and I NEVER keep in touch with people.  Partly because my years of not being able to make friends or keep friends has crutched me to being really akward with small talk.  I cant hold a conversation about everyday life for the life of me.  I never know what to say.  I dont talk about myself because I dont want to be the "girl who only talks about herself".  I dont ask prying questions about other people because I dont want to be the "nosey girl".  I dont know the boundries.  I dont know my limits.  I hate it. 

I worry that these traits will be passed on to my daughter.  That she will see mommy has no friends and not know how to nurture relationships in her own life.  It terrifies me.  It scares me.  It makes me sad.  I hate it.

If there is one thing in my life I could change.... it would be that. 

I am going to leave with something that makes my heart happy and makes me hopeful for my future.  Seeing this makes me forget all my past and lose track of all the wants I have right now.  It takes me to a place where my heart wants to explode and I'm lost.  Dazed and blinded by the amount of love that seems through every pore of me.